we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
