I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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