He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I am available for nakedness
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
