I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
