I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
