She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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