So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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