I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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