i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
50% drunk capacity currently
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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