yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
