Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Just took my morning after pill in the library
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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