So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
