new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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