I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's shark week go big or go home
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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