Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
