If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
