GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
