I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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