A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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