he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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