Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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