I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
i believe in u and ur pee
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
