I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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