I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
