Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
