found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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