That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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