College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
