Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
