I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
