Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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