I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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