Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize