If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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