I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
