i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
