Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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