Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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