I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
