At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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