I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
