You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
