I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
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