And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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