why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
