I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
