I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
