it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
