I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
