i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
