I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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