She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
