if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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