I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
