Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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