ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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