Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
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hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Every concussion has its silver lining
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
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And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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