Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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