i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
it's great music for shaving your balls
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
