I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
